Before you begin reading this, I just want you to know that I actually wrote a much better, deeper, relevant, heart-warming, sensible article, but I preferred to post this one instead.
Recently, I watched a YouTube video titled “Bovi, the Fish”. For those of you who haven’t seen the video here’s a quick review: There’s this girl/lady/grown-up woman without a future in acting, who frequently lures men to herself via a less than impressive body and gets them into spoiling her with goodies, clothes, shoes, and all the other irrelevant stuff girls like. But when it gets to the time when the men want to sleep with her, she puts on a fake costume and pretends to be a fish. She apparently gets away with it pretty often still. That was until she met a confirmed Warri boy, Bovi, Who after doing the normal spoilings came into the bedroom with hopes flying off the roof that tonight’s gonna be a good night. Only for him to meet the girl on his bed, flapping her very synthetic fishtail and helping him spell the word “fish”. Bovi was less than impressed by her theatrics, what he did was he took up his phone and called a friend (who picked up the phone rather quickly in my opinion) telling him to get some peppersoup ingredients so that they could cook something delicious with the fish he has here. The very poor actress, now realising that she had been caught, began asking for forgiveness claiming it was all a joke. Bovi rebuked her and before leaving, prompted her to also turn her head into fish head too as for some reason; he has an unexplainable love for head of fish.
This new adventure opened my eyes and I fell into a brief period of reflection on what to do if I found myself in a situation like this, so I decided to generalise it so you could be a part of it too. Now here goes; what will you do if your girlfriend turns into a fish?
· Ask if she is for real: This is rather important and it should be your first step. It seems that in the 21st century whenever you tell someone something the least bit amazing, their first response is; ARE YOU SERIOUS?! So…yes…do this too. When you step into the room and see her with fins instead of legs, don’t think far, ask if this is for real first and then take it up from there. Just to give some guidelines: Silence means yes, and an answer like “F.I.S.H, fish.” Is a definite no.
Disclaimer: If for some reason, today is a full moon, or they are having “turn your head into a fish too” Friday in the mermaid kingdom, and her entire body turns into a fish, skip this step, because fishes don’t talk.
· Ask her about herself: It’s no news that girls love to talk about themselves no matter the situation at hand (yea, they’re selfish like that), so just begin to ask her some questions to help clarify herself to you; this might help calm all the nerves in the room at the moment. Just to help you guys, I have a list of possible conversation starters for you:
1) Who are your parents?
2) How long have you been a mermaid?
3) Where do you live?
4) Do you guys really make Queen of the Coast sardines?
5) Are you hurt by your portrayal in movies today?
6) Are sharks mean to you?
7) Do you have a rectum?
8) Do you breathe with your nose, or you have gills for that kind of stuff?
9) I know you have a human head and all, but do you have fish brains?
10) Can I take a picture with you?
· Compliment her: A girl just showed you her pure, original self, believe me, that is very rare these days. The least you can do is tell her how great she looks in her natural form. You could say something within the lines of: “I like the way your skin goes through a gentle transition into scales; abrupt ends are just not my thing.” Or “Your really long, overgrown fingernails and your excessively dark hair really compliment that beautiful fish tail of yours.”
Disclaimer: This may not turn out well; human girls like compliments, but I can’t really speak for the mermaid community.
· Cast and bind her: This creature is of the Devil, if you have got enough bravery in you, pick up you bible and begin to pray a violent prayer towards her. The weapons of our warfare are not canal, but they are mighty through God for the pulling down of strongholds, e.g. Mermaids.
Disclaimer: If this doesn’t work, you might end up in her bad book. (Not that I doubt its viability though, I’m just saying)
· Do not faint: This is very important. Do not faint, convulse, have an asthma attack, go brain dead, have a seizure, and all that kind of stuff; they do not look good for your self- esteem, and moreover, there’s no telling what will become of you, if and when you wake up.
· Get the hell out of there: Dude, a person just turned into a mermaid in front of you. Like…I mean…seriously!! Someone who was a full, complete, fresh, unadulterated, unhybridised, human female just turned into a mythical creature with the upper body of a human being and the lower body of a fish… IN FRONT OF YOU. What are you still waiting for? Should she start explaining things to you? Are you Braveheart? Is that normal? Is it a natural phenomenon? Should she ask you first? What do you want to see again? Is that not enough for you? This is unusual, it is weird and most of all, it is VERY scary. Please Run, I beg you. Run for the hills. Run like your life depends on it. Do you know why she chose you? Do you know if she wants to turn you into fish too? What if she has come to kill you, so she can move up the mermaid socio-economic ladder? You have no idea why she is there, so why are you still there? Will you get out of there?! Please, run. Run for your dear life; push through every obstacle on your way, there’s no time for chit-chat. Take to your heels, this cannot be overemphasised.
– Victor Enahoro Ohwo