The bible is a complex book. It contains a lot of characters and a lot of lessons to learn from them. In my experience, I have found that one of the major difficulties is actually pinning out who did what in this vast book and hopefully this article will clear the air for those of you having this conflict. Now I must say this: I am an amateur on the bible and I honestly don’t know much so some things may be wrong but feel free to correct them in the comments below. So here goes, an idiot’s guide to the bible…
It all began with Adam; he ate the apple that doomed us all. His companion was Eve; she gave him the apple and she was never really spoken of again after that (perhaps that’s where men began oppressing women). Another guy who gave us Apple was Steve Jobs; he is dead and has absolutely nothing to do with this post. Adam’s children were Cain and Abel, the sacrifice boys. Cain would eventually kill Abel and then become the world’s inaugural vagabond. Then there was a man called Enoch; he didn’t die. Also in that period was Methuselah; the apparent oldest man to ever live. Years later, Angels came to earth and they created giants (Ibrahimovic and LeBron James). Further on was Noah; the god-father of architecture. He built the ark that saved mankind (not Mick Foley) which apparently only included just his family and the entire animal kingdom. Noah had children but they’re not important for us now. Someone who was important though was Abraham; the father of many nations. Yes, he was the one who almost slaughtered his son and also the guy who gave birth to the guy, who gave birth to the Islamic religion. His wife however was Sarah; she laughed at an angel. Her son was Isaac; he didn’t do much. Isaac’s sons were Esau and Jacob. Jacob would eventually overthrow his brother by cheating him off his birth right and also stealing his blessings. Esau on the other hand, is the pioneer in bad decision-making and slavery.
Jacob had 12 sons and a daughter. The sons became the 12 tribes of Israel (which would later be Jacob’s name) as for the daughter; well, let’s just say she went astray with foreign men. One of Jacob’s sons was Joseph. He was the bible’s first man with superpowers; he could interpret dreams. Fast-forwarding a bit, we move on to Moses; the meekest man on earth. He was the water bender that parted the Red Sea and brought water out of a rock. He lead the Children of Israel out of Egypt but would not eventually get into the Promised Land because that whole “water-out-of-a-rock” thing. The guy who would lead the Israelites into the Promised Land would be… Joshua; he dried up river Jordan (global warming). The Promised Land was Canaan. A land said to be flowing with milk and honey (at least now you know where Diabetes and Lactose intolerance arose from). The people Joshua and Moses led were the Israelites; the complainers. Next on list here is Samson, who was the world’s strongest man… that was until his hair got cut by the dreadful Delilah. But not to worry as you would expect, Samson’s hair grew back later on. Moving on to the women in the Bible, I decided to highlight Deborah; the first female Judge of Israel (woohoo!!! Girl power!!), Esther; she won a beauty contest without any make-up on. Another prominent woman in the bible was Ruth; If you don’t know anything about her, know that she had a mother-in-law called Naomi (Not Naomi Campbell), she also married a man called Boaz (try saying that in a lower voice; BOOOAAZ!). The Ruth-Boaz lineage would eventually give birth to Jesus of Nazareth, but before then it produced David, the bible’s first famous musician. He also killed the giant Goliath and later became King of Israel. During his reign as King of Israel he would: 1) stare at a naked woman having her bath. 2) get the husband of said naked woman killed. 3) Marry naked woman. He also wrote the book of Psalms and was a man after God’s own heart. Another guy named David is the Prime minister of the United Kingdom, David Cameron; very much like Steve Jobs, he is also irrelevant to this post. David actually took over kingship from Saul, the first man in the bible with profound anger issues.
David’s heir was Solomon. He is the worldwide leader in polygamy with 300 wives and 700 girlfriends (he was more than a player; he was the field of play), apart from that he was also the wisest man who ever lived (kind of ironic isn’t it??). I’m going to jump now to my favourite Old Testament prophet, Elijah. He raised the dead, controlled weather, had super speed and was taken to heaven like a boss; in a chariot of fire. Thus Elijah = major bad ass prophet. His successor was a prophet with a confusing name, Elisha. Elisha saw Elijah being taken to heaven in the chariot of fire, thus Elisha was given a double portion of Elijah’s anointing; although Elisha would not end up being taken to heaven in 2 chariots of fire. One cool guy people forget is Job. The devil had a personal beef with this guy, but not to worry God intervened and Job came out stronger. Like I said Job = COOOL.
I’m quite tired now so I’m going to rush through the rest:
· Isaiah: don’t know much about him but I know he wrote 66 chapters in his book so he definitely had a lot to say.
· Ezekiel: the “dry bones shall rise again” guy.
· Jeremiah: The guy who helped us prove the fact that God knows us long before we are born. He was also the guy with the “potter and the clay” vision.
· Daniel: the lion tamer.
· Hosea: due to his unpopularity with pastors I don’t know much about him. But he strangely reminds me of a Pokémon I used to know.
· Amos: Preached about the fall of Israel which happened way after he died.
· Zachariah and Zephaniah: They just confuse me. Don’t worry though, no one asks about them.
· Malachi: Talked about God opening the windows of heaven and pouring showers of blessings… TO THOSE WHO PAID TITHE. He also thankfully ended the ever so lengthy Old Testament.
· Victor Enahoro Ohwo: Not in the bible yet, but patiently awaiting his inclusion in the year 2050 after he has been named the most awesome dude who ever lived.
Did you enjoy this article? Well, stick around more for the New Testament edition coming up in subsequent weeks. Is there anyone you would love to see me talk about? Is there any topic you’d love to have me write on? Did I miss out on your favourite Old Testament character? Is there a high speed meteor heading my direction and you want to warn me about it? Leave all your answers in the comments below and I’ll get back to you soon enough. Also if you like what you see here, please like our page on Facebook “The Students Blog”… That’s all folks. BYE!!!
– Victor Enahoro Ohwo