As a growing, young man, you will get to meet a lot (and I mean a lot) of girls/women in your life. It may be in High School or The University/College, Workplace, anywhere. What I have written below is a subset of all of them. I have grouped all these girls into 5 groups, so when you meet any girl, you should know where they belong. Mind you, I was really tired when I wrote this, so there may be some technical difficulties in my typing.

  1. THE FOREIGN ONE: This girl is pimped up like a Ferrari. She has like, REALLY red lips. She has visited more than 7 countries in the world. She is amazingly beautiful; great hair, nice legs, cute lips and awesome smiles. Her mom (or Dad) is stinking rich, and they are probably divorced. She speaks great English and has attended the best schools in (and out) of the country. She will fall for you like a nerd falls for science homework. And as usual buts must come in; She just isn’t your type, all she wants to talk about is how beautiful Italy is or how nice Paris was last summer, she’s like a talking Barbie doll for crying out loud. You go on one date with her and BAM!! Her Facebook relationship status has changed. You guys go out and she wants to pay ALWAYS (which isn’t entirely a bad thing, but…). At the amusement park she wants to go on all the rides and expects you to do same even if the last one you guys went on joggled up your intestines. She loves princesses and sees being a princess as an occupation. You can’t take this girl to eat pounded yam or eba; it’s always pizza, chicken soup, chips or popcorn. With her, bole is roasted plantain, fried plantain is plantain chips, potato chips is French fries, moi-moi is bean cake, etc. She says word like “bum”, “smoothie”, “boo-boo”, “wee-wee”, “tummy”, you get my point. You’ll just keep up with her for a while, and then let her go. The break-up is the worst; she takes it personally. She would cry, wail, say bad things about love on Facebook, change her relationship status first to “it’s complicated” and then finally when she gets over you it becomes “single”. She is just going to be one of those girls that would get by, before you meet Miss Right.
  2. THE BITCHY ONE: This girl is seriously jealous of the foreign one; she wants to be her, BY ALL MEANS. She’s the one who has a 7th hand Blackberry phone and still wouldn’t shut up about it. She always calls you for recharge card. She’s the girl with too much make-up on. Her face looks like a rainbow, her dressing is fashion homicide. She’ll say her jean is 25k whereas it is actually 250. She has a purse for everything, and a big bag to put all her purses in. She’s always late to class, just to get attention. She takes her birthday VERY seriously. She’ll keep calling you to ask for recharge card (I had to say it again, because it’s going to happen a lot). You must pay for this girl’s meals even down to her last pure water sachet. She has been to every country in the world with her mouth. The only thing she wants to talk about is how jealous everyone is of her. She calls popcorn “puffcorn”. She knows the entire campus gist. She’s always “not talking” to someone. She’s sleeping with one of your friends. You are also seeing other people (let’s be realistic). She’s watching her weight (like it’s a very interesting TV show). Her Facebook relationship status is “married”. She’s older than you think. The next day after you’ve broken up with her, she’s with another guy. As soon as you see this girl, my only advice is RUN!!! She is just going to hold you back. She’s like an anchor; you’ve got to cut her loose.
  3. THE CHURCHY ONE: You have no idea what you’re into, if you ever date this one. She is the Church choir, prayer band, chorus leader, evangelist, dancer, usher, clapper, worshipper, etc. (my point is she’s in a lot of groups). She has no friends (except in church of course), she has no make-up on, She pretends to not know what jewellery is, She calls people “sinners” and they call her “Jesus freak”. She is dating you to convert you. Her father is almost always not a preacher. She will ALWAYS wake you up for morning mass. She’s always wearing a REALLY long skirt. She has tiny boobs, and her shoes are like what the Israelites of old used to wear. She always has a bible. Her Facebook wall is full of bible quotes and words of wisdom from her favourite pastors. She prays a lot… She LOVES prayer. Her name is Deborah, Ruth, Esther, or some other bible character. She loves Nollywood movies. She keeps an afro. She says words like “God forbid” or “God won’t allow it”. She’s the smartest girl in class. Her phone is lower than Nokia 3310. When you break up with her, her last words are “God bless you”, “the Peace of the Lord remain with you”, etc. This girl is good, don’t get me wrong. She’s just too much for you right now.
  4. THE FRIEND: You’ve known this girl since you were born. She’s like a sister to you. She doesn’t like any of your girlfriends and you don’t like any of her boyfriends either. You play videogames together and she watches sport with you. She will probably like wrestling. You can’t stay mad at each other for a day. Your mom knows her and her mom knows you. You guys team up a lot and everyone else thinks you’re a couple. You seat next to each other in class, at work or in church. She’ll be with you through all your break-ups. She’ll teach you on what girls like. You guys fight over the silliest things. She is your last resort for a date. You’ll miss her a lot when she’s not around. You’ll shop together, but pay separately. She cooks for you REGULARLY. She seriously laughs at you when you goof. You’ll tell her all the girls you are crushing on. One of your friends really likes her. You guys have excellent chemistry. She’s probably an ex. You guys keep telling everyone you’re just friends, but wish you were more. You are the first person she’ll tell when she’s getting married. You love her more than you think and it will shock you know that she was never the one. You guys will not be friends forever though; the friendship will end when she (or you) decides to move on.
  5. THE PERFECT ONE:  She’s the most beautiful girl you’ll ever meet. She’s a perfect complement for you. She makes your heart skip a beat whenever you see her. You’ve been crushing on her since the first day you met her. You take forever to ask her out. She knows your feelings by just looking at your face. Everyone claims to know you well but she’s the only one who actually understands. She loves only a few things about you at first but later loves it all. She sees the bad in you, and still likes you for it. You’ll probably mess this one up by thinking you don’t deserve her (which is true). She sticks with you even when you push her away. When you guys are together, you talk about growing old together. Her cooking is exquisite. She’s better than you at everything you are good at.  She likes to hear you say you love her. You’re friends on Facebook and you stalk her like you breathe. She’s the only guy that makes you laugh very hard, you roll on the floor. You’ll break up and get back together a lot of times. There will be times you want to give up, but finally convince yourself to hold on. There’s a special social network where she’s the only one you talk to (or joined because of her). When you are on a date, all you do is sit there and wonder “What is she doing with me?”

Truth of the matter is, many people never get to be with the perfect one, they end up with the bitchy one, the friend, churchy one or even as early as the foreign one. Some people just get there once and for all and never look back. But it doesn’t matter who you are with, what matters is how you feel about the one you are with. If you are with the bitchy one and you see her as the perfect one, then she probably is. Don’t let anyone tell you who to love and what to feel for people. It’s about what they mean to you and not someone else’s opinion of them that eventually matters.

– Victor Enahoro Ohwo.


9 thoughts on “DIFFERENT PIECES SAME GENDER by Victor

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